“..Threats cannot provide a solution to a
problem. They only exacerbate feeling
and make a clash inevitable.” - Stafford Cripps
“The
best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.” -
Marcus Aurelius
Recently a man
confided some of his fears about his marriage to me. He and his wife have raised their children
and are now that that fifty-something stage of catching a breath. The last two years they have gone to
counseling, and he shared an exchange during a recent session that caught my
attention.
It seems that for
the last couple of years his wife has taken to sleeping away her days and
eating lots of food. Any attempts at
rousing herself are short-lived, and when the subject comes up she resorts to
wailing and self-flagellation. This has caused
significant problems and come up numerous times with the counselor. But regardless of what conversation is had or
agreements are reached or actions he takes, the behavior persists. In the last counseling session he stated that
this is unacceptable. “Well, what are
you going to do about it?” inquired the counselor, mirrored shortly thereafter
by his wife.
The man’s
response is what gave me pause. He told
the counselor and his wife that once anyone crosses the threshold of making
threats in a relationship, there is no going back to a mutuality. He didn’t get married to be a father figure
or someone’s “boss.” He married to enter
into a partnership and regardless of how much goading his wife or the counselor
do he is unwilling to make threats and thus put the relationship and himself on
treacherous footing.
The first thing
that struck me is the man’s wisdom about relationships. Having an illusion that we can control other
people is just as naïve as buying into the illusion of ownership in the material
realm. The more we are the “boss” of
someone the more we tie ourselves down with responsibility for them and the
less self-reliant they become. Any short
term “results” won through intimidation boomerang as the person finds a way to “get
even” with us. Being a “king” or even a “boss”
is not something a spiritually mature person aspires to.
So when we are
letting someone know that we don’t approve of their actions, what are our
options? We can leave, but if and when
we return the problem is still there. That
leaves just a few options. We can point
out the natural consequences of one’s behavior, we can draw boundaries in the
relationship or we can make threats. Is
there ever a circumstance that making a threat is the most effective tool? Perhaps Webster’s will be helpful.
A boundary is
a line that marks the limit of a subject or a sphere of activity. A consequence is something that
logically or naturally follows from an action or a condition. A threat is a statement of intent to
inflict pain, injury, damage or other hostile action on another as retribution
for something done or not done.
To threaten then
is simply to menace someone with a promise of revenge. Yes, a promise – a promise that given the
right set of circumstances we will engage in some action with the motive of
retaliation. We thus put ourselves in a
box – even if the action we ultimately take is the correct action, we have
created a negative motive for doing it. And
“living in a threatening environment” is sure to give the other party plenty of
justification for the self-pity they need to CONTINUE their negativity. At best threats are a crude tool, and strong
arguments can be made that they are NEVER the most effective option.
That leaves us
the options of pointing out natural consequences, drawing boundaries and
removing ourselves from the situation. If
our intent is to be of maximum service to God and our fellows our answers will eventually
become clear. And we can remember that no
matter how bad our situation, there is no circumstance that a kind word won’t improve
and a hostile attitude make worse.
Today, may I be choose my words carefully.
Have a great day !!
David
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