Port Royal; SC
“He who angers you
conquers you.” – Elizabeth Kenny
“Anger is but
short-lived madness.” - Horace
I recently
heard a speaker saying that anger is normal, that we should expect to get angry
so we need strategies to deal with it.
There was a day I would have agreed, but I now realize that anger is an
optional way to react – it is not a necessary part of being human. This begs the question – is anger as a tool
effective?
The most obvious use of a display of anger
is to intimidate, and less obvious is to passive-aggressively manipulate. We may well get by for a while bullying
people or plotting and scheming, but ultimately it is us who loses. People drift away, and the ones who stay only
stay because they are emotionally sick enough that they do not see that they
have other options in life. Anger dumps
massive quantities of chemicals in our system – if one has not been angry for a
long time the changes in the body cause a feeling for a few days not unlike a
bad hang-over. Anger literally poisons
us from the inside out, especially so if we do not dissipate the energy caused
by it or we hang on to grudges. It keeps
us from being effective – we lose all subtlety and finesse and it drives
obsessive thoughts to the extent that solutions to the issue are not
apparent. It means giving away our power
– far beyond allowing something to live rent-free in our head. As long as it occupies us it exacts a
tremendous toll on all areas of our being.
So, rather than focusing on anger management, would it not be more
effective to focus on not giving away our power to start with?
Learning to observe ourselves brings on
many revelations that do not seem logical at first. When we are angry, we certainly do not feel
fearful – the chemicals in our system make us feel powerful and
vindictive. But when we start becoming
honest with ourselves and reflecting on our behaviors the old excuses we used
to justify our excesses do not pan out anymore.
One of the best tools to use is to pause when we feel ourselves getting
heated up and make ourselves answer the question” “What am I afraid of?” The answers will be quite revealing and
provide motivation for change. Anger
for me always boils down to a few things.
I fear losing something I have or not getting rid of something I don’t
want. I fear not getting something I
want or getting something I do not want.
Self centeredness – plain and simple.
Anger simply displays fear (anxiety) – which is but a lack of faith, and
getting upset means we choose to allow our fear of the future to corrupt this
current moment. And every moment of our
life that we are mentally somewhere else is another moment we were not present
for our life.
Happy Monday!!
David
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Anger gets a bad rap. The expression of anger....now that's a different thing entirely. If someone stomps on my toe purposefully, inflicting pain, I can feel anger, but not express it aggressively. Anger is an emotion, a feeling. I may make the decision to assertively state, "It hurts when you step on my toe! Please don't do that again!" If the toe stomper does it again, I can make the same statement, and make the decision to keep my toe where the stomper isn't. Aggression is an expression of anger that leads to more anger and fear. Assertiveness is an appropriate expression of anger, and sets those important boundaries of self-care.
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